Conservatives: betting the house

It may have ended with a row over betting, but the Conservative campaign would actually have made a lot more sense had ­someone at HQ been attempting to throw the contest. From the moment a sodden Rishi Sunak traipsed back into Downing Street having killed political metaphors for at least a generation, it’s not been the smoothest. Scarpering early from D-day commemorations wasn’t the best core vote strategy, either. Sunak also seems to have spent much of the campaign ­apologising – we probably don’t need Professor John Curtice on hand to guess this isn’t a great sign. Perhaps one last sorry is owed to his party’s candidates for calling the thing in the first place.

Labour: Starmergeddon

It’s very much “underage drinker getting served” energy from Labour. We’ve all been there – act normal, try to look confident. Don’t do anything flashy or daft… oh my god THIS THING MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN. A low-risk campaign for sure. But when the aim is to come across as more coherent than a party whose first down-with-the-kids video on TikTok was a plan to reintroduce national service, who can blame them? Those guys may not be the geniuses we thought. “Tories out” has been the trump card. “Change” has been the slogan, though change could also refer to the amount of cash they’re actually going to spend on public services they ruefully conclude are knackered.

Key phrases

A few brave failures here. The brief attempt by the Tories to make “Sleepy Keir” a thing was presumably abandoned when it emerged voters actually prefer politicians when they’re asleep, unable to blow up any economies or vital trading relationships (leave them while they’re quiet). Also seemingly junked was Starmer’s eerily Orwellian claim that “stability is change”. A bit early for the Big Brother stuff, though that can presumably come with the 200-seat majority. The key campaign word? Well, we’ve never been more than a sentence or two from ­“toolmaker”. Perhaps Starmer’s obsession with his father’s ­profession inspired Sunak to take a hammer to his own efforts.

Campaign stars

What would we have done without Tory minister Steve Baker, who first pledged to drive “fast catamarans” if he lost – before spending the first campaign week on holiday in Greece? Fear not though, as Steve knows what is preoccupying his voters in Wycombe. Obviously, it’s “the collapse of the post-Bretton Woods political consensus”. That’s surprising, given the end of the gold standard is more of a concern for punters in nearby Hemel Hempstead. Then there’s Ed Davey, of course, whose “thinktank seminar meets the Generation Game” campaign has kept us all going. At least someone’s had fun.